Dear Jane,

I’ve really messed up. In a truly embarrassing and stupid way that I think may have cost me the people I was once closest to in my life.

To paint a bit of a picture for you, I’ve had a really close circle of friends for the past four years. I moved from Australia to Chicago for work and basically arrived here knowing absolutely nobody save for a mutual acquaintance who I was introduced to through a colleague back at home.

Thank god she turned out to be wonderful, and she went out of her way to introduce me to people, to take me round the city, recommend restaurants… she even helped me move into my new place and came furniture shopping with me.

We got on amazingly well – and over the first few months of being in Chicago, I got really close with her friendship circle too.

One of those girls is getting married in July and we’re all bridesmaids. We’ve been having 1,000 back and forth messages about the dresses and the bachelorette, and everything else you can imagine. My phone is buzzing all day, every day. It’s kinda overwhelming at times.

Which is how this whole stupid thing started.

We were all talking about what rooms we’re going to have on the bachelorette – and at the same time I was chatting with my family back at home.

There’s this one girl in the group who has really horrible breath. We’re talking toxic. Not like she’s just eaten some garlic bread – it’s like a medical-grade situation. 

And I have a weird thing about smells. She’s so nice, but I can’t really ever go that close to her without being queasy. I never really had any idea whether she was aware of it so I never brought it up except to my family.

My mom had sent me a message asking who I was hoping to room with on the bachelorette and I messaged her back saying I’d be happy with anyone, just not this girl because her breath situation was so bad I thought I’d end up vomiting.

But of course I didn’t send it to my mom. I sent it to the bridesmaids group chat.

Within 30 seconds I realized what I’d done but by that point it was too late – they’d all seen it. The bride immediately phoned me and gave me hell down the phone, asking what the hell was I thinking, how could I be so mean, and didn’t I know that this poor girl had always had a complex about her breath.

Since then, I’ve basically been excommunicated by the whole group. I don’t even know if the bride wants me to go to her wedding, let alone be in it.

I’ve tried to apologize 1,000 times but it seems like all of my messages and calls have fallen on deaf ears. It’s been a week and I’m trying to give them all time to move past this, but I’m starting to panic that they’re never going to be friends with me again.

It sounds so pathetic, but without them, my life here is basically empty. And I’m miserable.

How can I fix this?

From,

Foot In Mouth

Dear Foot In Mouth,

I am so sorry to have to break the bad news to you, but I’m not sure this is fixable. 

I know you didn’t intend to send a mean-spirited text to everyone, but now that the cat is out the bag, there’s no putting it back in. 

One can hope that time may help them see that everyone makes mistakes, that we all mess up, that sometimes we say cruel things without thinking, especially to our family, but none of that means they will forgive you.

There is nothing further you can do, other than a brief message to the bride asking for clarification as to whether or not you are still invited. I suspect the answer will be no, which you will have to accept.

It’s painful, and brutally hard to be cut out of a friend group, no less so because you know you made a mistake. 

The lesson in this is to never, ever put anything cruel in writing. Whether it’s in jest, or confiding in family, do not commit words to the page or phone that we wouldn’t want anyone to see. 

I’m so sorry you have had to learn this lesson the hard way, but I suspect it is time for you to find a new As upsetting as this is, you have done it before, which tells you that you will find good people again.