The adolescent years are complicated for all kids. When you are raising a transracially adopted child, there are many additional layers of identity development they must grapple with. You want to set your young person up for success as they leave high school and head off to college, but you may not know how. How can you prepare them for college and the changes they will experience when they leave your home?

What Will Your Transracial Adoptee Face?

Generally, your transracial adoptee will encounter the same developmental milestones all adolescents do, including individuation from their parental figures, trying out identities as they become self-aware and independent, exploring values and beliefs, and internalizing those for themselves. However, these milestones bring up some unique issues for your young adult that you should begin addressing as early as possible.

One significant issue that many transracially adopted youth face is their “honorary whiteness.” Dr. Amanda Baden, a professor, adoption researcher, transracial adoptee, and adoptive mother, explained this concept in-depth in her interview with CreatingaFamily.org. Here’s a summary, but we highly encourage you to listen to the podcast.

For most of your transracial adoptee’s life, they’ve lived under the covering of your identity. This covering includes your social standing and the benefits or privileges of your race and culture. They’ve grown up known in your community as your child. They may even be accepted (consciously or unconsciously) in your circles as “honorary” white people. You raised them in your family’s culture, and they adapted to the norms around them. This identity will likely change when your transracially adopted child moves into the dorms on camps. Your identity and your family’s labels will no longer determine their identity. For example, unless your Asian adoptee chooses to share that a white family adopted her, her new college acquaintances may never know that she grew up in a predominantly white culture.

Once this young adult establishes their life on a new college campus, they realize this new community sees them as the race they are. It can be jarring for our young people to live most of their life as an adopted child of color in a white home but then be perceived by their new community as a person of color. For example, a Black youth raised in a white home may encounter cultural norms of other Black students that feel different, intriguing, uncomfortable, or foreign. He may not know how to talk about it or where to go with the feelings it stirs.

Practical Tips to Prepare Your Transracial Adoptee for College

None of us want to leave our kids unprepared for significant life changes if we can help it, right? For most adoptive and foster parents, learning what our kids need has been our norm for many years now. While the topics of race, culture, privilege, and perceived norms can sometimes be uncomfortable for us, preparing our kids for college is not different than tackling all the other difficulties we’ve been facing already. We may have some added layers to address along the way, but we can do these hard things to prepare them well for their launch!

1. Start early by talking about race and culture.

Invite people of your child’s race or culture into your life. Seek adults who have had varied experiences of launching off to college and welcome their stories, even when they may be difficult. Consider what resources in your community (culture groups, service opportunities, faith communities) can offer opportunities for your transracial adoptee to build safe relationships with these adults.

2. Create opportunities for your child to feel comfortable in their own skin.

Intentionally explore events and experiences as a family that expose your transracial adoptee to the communities of their culture or race. Music, food, theater, movies, books, and faith communities are all excellent entry points. Many times, your kids need you to start these conversations! You will communicate how much you value their culture when you pursue the opportunities around you and make them part of your family’s norms.

3. Seek – and keep seeking – diverse groups of friends.

Your child needs a broad group of friends with similar experiences and backgrounds to support them. They need peers who can be a safe place to explore feelings and learn language to grapple with these issues. These peers can and should include transracial adoptees, kids of the same race or culture, and kids of color who move in similar circles.

If your child doesn’t seek this diversity on their own, increase your intentionality around opportunities for exposure to other cultures. Look for clubs at school or service opportunities in your community and encourage your young person to join. You can join a hobby club or volunteer project together.

4. Help them find the language for these conversations.

Again, you will likely need to bring up these topics. If you are uncomfortable with the issues, explore resources to equip you. CreatingaFamily.org has many excellent resources to prepare you for these conversations.

Consider bringing up the topics on a long car ride when your child is not receptive (and remember, it’s age-appropriate that they occasionally not be). Sitting side-by-side is far less confrontational or intimidating when addressing sticky issues. Share something that you recently learned about how transracial adoptees feel about leaving home. Ask them if they’ve ever felt “too Asian” to be white and “too white” to be Asian in their peer groups.

Whatever you choose to address, remember the ball analogy. The topic you address is the ball. You gently toss the ball to your young person and wait for them to pick it up and throw it back. Or not. It’s their choice to engage. Consider how you let them return the conversational ball to you and when. If you are fortunate enough to have them toss the ball back to you, spend more time listening than talking. Or, if your transracial adoptee has a tough time talking, think of a few open-ended questions in advance to have ready for a volley back to them. Be attuned to their interest and ability to keep engaging or dig deeper. You can always try again another time or build on the topic later.

5. Don’t make your transracial adoptee the bridge.

While you are intentionally talking about topics of race, culture, or identity development, you must not put your young person in the middle of your identity and their culture. It should not be on your child’s shoulders to help you access or learn about the experiences of people of color. Seek resources to keep educating yourself. Build connections and relationships with adults of your child’s race (and others!). You must be willing to tackle the issues, deal with your blind spots and biases, and choose to expose yourself to challenging conversations first. And be willing to keep educating yourself as your kids grow. If you feel challenged by how to talk about these topics, practice with your partner or friends to learn the openness your young person needs from you.

The adolescent and early adult years are prime times to explore “hot topics” in culture that interest your kids. Give lots of room and grace as they find their way and explore their values related to those social issues. It might feel unsettling for you. It may even feel like a rejection of your family’s core values. If you find this significantly troubling, consider seeking the help of a counselor or therapist to work through it.

We say it a lot, but this is a prime time to remind yourself, “Don’t take it personally!” Your transracial adoptee’s exploration of these issues is often not at all about you or your family’s identity. It’s more common that these forays into new ideas, beliefs, and values are part of grappling with who your young person feels they are becoming.

Prioritize Relationship with Your Transracial Adoptee

Your young adult is grappling with many challenging thoughts and feelings as they prepare for college. Transitioning from living as your child in your home to becoming independent and “their own person” is hard work. They may be grumpy, tired, stressed and overwhelmed. They need to feel your consistent acceptance and love – especially when they are acting the most unlovable. Please encourage them to eat well, sleep when needed, and choose other healthy habits. These choices will help sustain them in coping with all the big emotions they are facing.

Helping them transition from your home to their grown-up lives is complex work. They likely are counting on your consistency and connection more than ever before. Keep your relationship strong and healthy by spending time laughing together and communicating how much you cherish them. We would be remiss if we did not mention the need to care for yourself during this season! Find what fuels you, and be sure to refresh yourself regularly. You need this care to continue to be the safe, anchoring place you have been for your young person.