This Boyfriend Is Embarrassed To Have His Family Over To His Girlfriend's House — So He's Turning To The Internet For Some Help
yahoo.com2 days ago
When two people are in a committed relationship but have very different quirks about them (anything from interests to habits), it can make or break a relationship sometimes.
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Couples can be on opposite ends of the spectrum regarding things like cleanliness. That's the case for a redditor who recently discovered that his long-distance girlfriend and her family are rather messy. He is planning to bring his family to their house so everyone can meet IRL, but he's now conflicted about what to do because he's embarrassed about the cleanliness of their home. Here is more of what he shared in the r/relationship_advice subreddit:
"I've been with my girlfriend for three years long distance. I'm incredibly happy with her, and she is with me. We communicate effectively, talk about our future with pragmatism, love, and confidence, and overall, have a very healthy relationship. We don't live together. She lives with her parents while she finishes school, and I live alone with a full-time job. I'm close with my parents and they are supportive of my relationship. My parents have never met her parents in person, however, in the three years we've been together. Due to the nature of our long-distance relationship, the easiest way for our parents to meet would be for my parents to go to her house. We could have a nice family dinner, and it would also give my parents a chance to learn more about my girlfriend and her family culturally," the OP wrote. u/ThrowRADNR / Via reddit.com
"But, I am really embarrassed to have them at my girlfriend's house. I recently visited their home with my girlfriend and her folks for a week. It is filthy. It is not messy as items are strewn about, or water bottles and pizza boxes litter rooms. Filthy as in everything is coated in a thick layer of dirt, cleaning glasses and dishes amounts to scrubbing them gently for five seconds with an old grey sponge, and when the dog pees inside, it's cleaned with a mop that is then put back into a bucket and put outside. At the end of my week stay with them, I felt more gross than when I first got there because stepping out of the shower instantly coats your feet in hair and dirt," the OP continued.
"There are more examples than this, but I think the point is made. Unfortunately, I believe these things are considered normal to my girlfriend. We made dinner for her family, and I subtly mentioned cleaning the kitchen up as a thank you for letting me stay at their home. I also mentioned cleaning up the guest room I was staying in for the same reason. Her responses were shocking to me. She claimed that cleaning would be difficult because 'you can't vacuum tile floors' and the things that look like dirt 'are actually just stains.' That response ignored things like the food processor having bits of food stuck on the bottom and in the blades for God knows how long. How do I mention this all to my girlfriend? I care about her deeply (obviously), and we often communicate about difficult topics, but this one just seems so offensive if I bring it up. It insults her and her family. I am embarrassed for my family to be there, and honestly, I don't want to stay there again either. I'm also afraid this could trickle into our eventual life together, so I'd like to broach the topic sooner rather than later. Thank you!" u/ThrowRADNR / Via reddit.com
People ran to the comment section to offer their two cents and advise this OP on what to do.
"'We communicate effectively, talk about our future with pragmatism.' It's time to put this to the test. Be realistic here. If you see a future together where you live together/she moves in with you, you need to be able to discuss your disparate values around cleanliness very directly. 'I'm also afraid this could trickle into our eventual life together.' Good. You should be very afraid. It’s not a question of whether it 'could' trickle in. You should be afraid that this absolutely WILL factor into your life together. Is that acceptable to you to live in these conditions every day? That is what she is okay with. The meeting location for the parents is the LEAST of your concerns here. The pictures you shared are awful. She has obviously normalized living in filthy conditions. The fact that she has no issue bringing you into her home in that state is a glaring red flag that needs to be addressed. I am concerned for you that you would rather be so uncomfortable as to endure staying in a dirty home with a dirty kitchen, stepping out of a dirty shower onto a dirty floor where your feet are covered in hair and dirt than endure the discomfort of saying that you refuse to stay in their unclean home again. Be direct with her about how you need to have a difficult conversation. Yes, it will suck, but her ability to have this incredibly difficult conversation is vitally important for the health of your continued relationship. You cannot tiptoe around this. You can be kind, and you can be direct. “I care about you so deeply but need you to know that I was very uncomfortable with the state of your home. I am concerned that you don’t see the problem. You seemed to feel that attempting to clean would be pointless based on the reasons you gave when I offered to clean. We need to be on the same page about cleanliness to progress towards living together and sharing a home. Wishing you the best of luck." —u/Picocure u/Picocure / Via reddit.com
This commenter suggested everyone meet at a restaurant instead of the girlfriend's parent's house.
"That's really, really bad. I don't blame you for being embarrassed. You can always meet up at the restaurant. On a side note, do you ever plan on living together? Because if you do, you have a glimpse of what you will have to live with. If you want a clean house, you will be doing every single bit of cleaning and cleaning up after her." —u/faesser u/faesser / Via reddit.com
This person related to the situation as they went through something similar.
"Wow! This post hits home. This was exactly my situation over ten years ago, only it wasn’t her parents' house—it was hers. Whilst you’re worried about what your parents will think, you should be worrying about how compatible your polar opposite acceptable living standards are. I thought my ex was just struggling and needed some help. I thought that if I could just clean it all she would take pride in her home. I was wrong!!! Very, very, very wrong!!! I redecorated, refurnished, and deep-cleaned the entire house. It took over a year, and when I finished, the house was unrecognizable with all new carpets, flooring, and furniture. I remember one day her then-10-year-old coming from school and running into the living room excitedly shouting, 'We have a new toilet!' It wasn’t a new toilet. I simply cleaned it. It literally turned black to white." —u/Icy-Understanding364 u/Icy-Understanding364 / Via reddit.com
And this person didn't think the girlfriend's messiness was a big deal and offered some advice on how to go about it.
"Can't you just joke about it? Next time you vacuum your tile floor - make a silly joke and use it as a conversation starter. Or simply warn your parents for now and make them stay in a hotel. I get that it is not an easy topic." —u/stickymicki u/stickymicki / Via reddit.com
What do you think? How should the boyfriend handle this? Is there a right or wrong way of handling this situation? Can this couple make it in the long run? Share all your thoughts with me in the comments below!