"The Guilt Is Heavy. It's Like I Killed Myself That Day": People Who Killed Someone Share Their Stories
"The psychological effects of having ended human life still haunt me 20 years later."
"My lashing out cost another human his life. I am ashamed to admit it, but at the time, I felt a great weight was lifted off my shoulders when I pulled the trigger. I felt like I had finally stood up for myself. I was completely irrational. I realize now it is like my friend David Monroe always says, 'hurt people, hurt people.' I was really hurting, and I didn't know how to ask for help.
I continued to justify my actions for a long time, but somewhere deep inside, I've always known that there was never any justice in taking someone's life. Admitting to myself I was feeling scared, lonely, unworthy of love and respect was just too hard. Also, by admitting these feelings, I would have to accept what I did and how I affected the world. This was hard for me, but I am finally there over fifteen years later.
Now I feel sadness over murdering someone. I feel I have robbed my victim's family of the most precious thing in life. I feel immense sorrow for this. I feel I have robbed my family of truly ever knowing me. I feel like I have created fear in my community. I feel that I have done the world a great disservice and that I owe a debt that I can never fully repay. I am full of guilt and shame over my actions. I never want anyone else to feel the way I do."
—Tommy W., Quora
(All communications between inmates and external channels are facilitated by approved volunteers since inmates do not have access to the internet. This program with Quora is part of The Last Mile San Quentin.)
"The list goes on. It's hard to drive because I get flashbacks, panic attacks...shaking, crying, nightmares of that night. They didn't deserve this. Their family doesn't deserve this. They were both beautiful people with potential, love, family, and life...and then it was over. And I did it.
I have come to understand how different forms of guilt work, and I have become accustomed to the torture I inflict on myself mentally. I deserve at least that.
I will never fully forgive myself and never get over it. I think of them often. Sometimes, I watch their videos. I include them when I pray and meditate, and I ask them to forgive me. I pray for their families to find healing one day. They were heroes. They were beautiful people."
"There was absolutely no thought involved in shooting; it was simply conditioned reflexes. Though I became familiar with the adrenaline aspect, it was not something that I would like to become addicted to. As time went on and buddies were killed by the enemy, my attitude became more aggressive.
Later I did dwell on some of the actual people. Sometimes, we would check the bodies for information and come across pictures of their family. That was a little tough for me. But I would like to be clear that it is kill or be killed in that situation."
—Roger S., Quora
"A man ran towards my SUV, called me a bitch, and informed me that I just killed his dad. His brother followed, and I immediately started screaming. I still couldn't see his father. I ran to the red car, and his two sons hugged me and told me, 'Ma'am, you didn't do anything wrong. There was a family altercation, and he wanted to die. We called an ambulance for him to get him some help.' I am still screaming. I come upon his body, sitting in a pool of blood. Within minutes, a policeman pulls up. He immediately starts rendering aid. Minutes later, an ambulance arrives. I am still in shock. They started CPR before putting his barely alive body in the ambulance. He was life-flighted to a local hospital.
It turns out that he was lying in my lane — facedown — wearing a black sweatshirt against black pavement.
He told his ex-wife, who was at the scene, that he wanted to kill himself because she did not want him back. I wonder why the ex-wife wouldn't put her car in front of his body. I wonder why the two sons couldn't seem to move him from my lane. I wonder why it had to have been me.
The man was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital. I'm twenty-two years old. What could I have done that was so wrong that I deserve to live with this for the rest of my life? I will never stop replaying the horrifying sound of running the man's body over, the blood-curdling shrieks, and the image of the man lying in a pool of his own blood.
I don't know if I will ever be able to live with myself."
"Parents, I beg you. Please, if your child comes to you about child abuse to them or their sibling, listen. Please listen. My God, I'm sorry."
"I think about the young men in the community where I took my victim's life and how hearing of my actions made murder an option for conflict resolution. I think of my son growing up in the same community where I committed this heinous crime. It is tough enough trying to become a man without your identity being attached to someone who took another human being's life.
So, I would say I feel an extreme sense of debt and responsibility to my victim, his family, and society as a whole. I know that no matter what I accomplish with the rest of my life, I will never accomplish bringing the life I took back. My goal is to honor his memory by making positive changes in my life and educating others on being their authentic selves.
I was disconnected from my feelings before I committed the crime that brought me to prison. The only emotion I felt comfortable expressing was anger, which I used to hide what I really felt. I overreacted to a lot of situations out of fear. Fear was something I believed no real man felt. Now, I realize that overreacting to situations only proved my fear of being me.
Today, I am able to express my true feelings in any setting. This has become a great gift because allowing myself to be open and honest has allowed others to do the same with me.
I am comfortable with all the emotions that most men run from or cover-up. This has allowed me to connect with people on a level I never thought possible. There was a time when I wasn't so comfortable with all these new emotions. I had become so sensitive to others' pain that I would get emotional from watching touching moments in movies. I shared this with a good friend, and he said it was because I had finally gotten in touch with my humanity.
I never want to send another family through what I have sent my victim's family through, as well as my own. I move through life conscious of my purpose in showing all the aspects of being a man. Being a man is being human and experiencing all the emotions that come with it. Sometimes, strength is doing the opposite of most. May you be strong enough to allow yourself to be vulnerable."
—James H., Quora
(All communications between inmates and external channels are facilitated by approved volunteers since inmates do not have access to the internet. This program with Quora is part of The Last Mile San Quentin.)