If you are the parents of estranged adult children, you may feel lost and don’t know what to do. You hurt so badly some days you can barely breathe.

Furthermore, you don’t feel you deserve this kind of treatment.

I lurk on many parents of estranged adult children FB groups and read your words of anger, disappointment, and hurt. The loss is great.

I see post after post asking “why.”

I don’t comment in these groups and tell you “why” because I am the enemy. Maybe I am not your enemy per se, but I am the adult child who walked away.

Now that I have reconciled with my parents, I want to help you understand “why” and clear up some confusion on a few issues.

In this post, I will provide helpful tips to the parents of estranged adult children. These tips may clarify why your adult child walked away and, more importantly, how you can fix an estranged relationship.

Parents of Estranged Adult Children Stories

Often, when I talk to parents of estranged adult children, they tell me about their stories and how their estrangement is different from mine; therefore, what I say won’t help them.

Perhaps I don’t quite understand their circumstances.

I want to say here and now that I have never seen two estrangements alike because all estrangements have nuances unique to their families and lives. 

Fortunately, a few common denominators may help you understand your estrangement. So, don’t dismiss my suggestions just because my story doesn’t match yours. 

What Are the Causes of Family Problems According to Parents?

After some research, I found that parents of estranged adult children mostly believe the causes of their family rift or break are divorce, mental illness, addictions, their child’s spouse, or their child’s sense of entitlement.

The last and most shocking reason parents of estranged adult children believe they have a family break is, well, they don’t know.

I found this true in my family estrangement and thought it was baffling until years later when I pieced together both sides. (Yes, I repeated some of the same behaviors as a parent. Ugh.)

Let’s discuss three of the issues with parents of estranged adult children in more detail so you understand the depths of these problems.

•  Mental illness

The one thing I found the most interesting in parents of estranged adult children FB groups was the parents’ continual reference to mental illness. It’s like it’s a given that all estranged children have mental problems and don’t know how to function outside of their parent’s realm.

Yet most estranged adult children function with jobs, friendships, and families, just not a relationship with their parents.

In reality, what I have found to be true is plenty of estranged adult children who are angry and pushed to react in extreme behaviors to get autonomy and peace.

So, please stop saying all estranged adults are mentally ill. Most likely, they are not. They are just fearful and anxious and have a hard time with conflict.

More importantly, they don’t have the tools to manage their dysfunctional family, so they give up and walk away.

• Entitlement

Parents of estranged adult children blame entitlement as a reason for a family break. But I would say the entitlement issue goes both ways.

Many parents are shocked that they have lost access to their adult children (and grandchildren) and feel they deserve better and are entitled to a relationship after “all they have done for them.”

Parents automatically expect access to a relationship without the responsibility/accountability of dealing with past hurts. (Access and accountability go hand in hand.)

They don’t realize that a healthy relationship requires two collaborators, who share power equally, must come together with honesty, good communication, forgiveness, and a willingness to change.

1. Power struggle

Instead, parents default to the parent-child dynamic, thinking they still have all the power in the relationship. They push and demand that their adult child ignore simmering resentments and attend family events like everything is okay when it has not been for a long time.

Adult children often walk away to prove they have power and will no longer be pushed into doing things they don’t want to. And they take the grandchildren with them as an exclamation point.

It is a way for adult children to try to get some equilibrium after all the years they have felt powerless.

When this happens, parents are forced to let go—maybe forever—all because they feel entitled to a relationship.

In reality, no one is entitled to a relationship (family or not). They are earned through good communication, equal power, trust, give-and-take, amends, and forgiveness.

RELATED: The Entitlement Cure with Dr. John Townsend  (I highly recommend you listen to this! And don’t forward it to your adult child; it’s for you.)

2. Don’t know

Another factor I have found across the board is that parents of estranged adult children reported being unsure of the reason for their family rift or break significantly more often than adult children, even though most adult children state they have repeatedly told why they were upset.

Hear me now: It was not one thing. More than likely, it was a mound of unresolved simmering issues (dysfunctional family system) over the years that can no longer be articulated because too much has happened. (Think of a bowl of spaghetti all tangled up.)

There may have been a big blow-up that caused the break, but it was probably the proverbial “straw that broke the camel’s back.”

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What Are the Causes of Family Problems For Adult Children?

Studies have shown that estranged adult children often cite reasons such as emotional, physical, spiritual, mental, or sexual abuse during childhood by the parent, addictions, threats, control, neglect, lack of support, or differences in values. 

Adult children often feel gaslighted by their parents when they fail to acknowledge the harm that was inflicted on them in the past, lack of boundaries, or resistance to change. 

Let’s examine two of the issues more in-depth so you can better understand what is possibly happening in your family system.

• The Generational Difference of the Word “Abuse”

There is clearly a generational disparity in what is actually appropriate.

Parents are fixed on duty and meeting expectations. They want to be respected for their position and not challenged, while the next generation cries out for honesty and freedom from dysfunctional behaviors that seem normal to parents.

• Control

Another big complaint of estranged adult children is control. It usually starts in the younger years and continues into adulthood. Parents do everything for their kids, yet don’t understand where they went wrong.

They are often blind to the fact that they may have unintentionally defaulted to parenting out of fear by using forms of manipulation and control.

1. Parenting out of fear

Fearful parents tend to hover over their kids (helicopter or lawnmower parents) and control situations and people around them to protect their kids from conflict or suffering. They want them always to be happy.

Parents can also manipulate and control their children because they fear what others will say if their children mess up.

Unfortunately, this can backfire, stunting children’s emotions, behaviors, and development so much that their kids are afraid of failure, can’t deal with conflict, and have lots of anxiety.

Eventually, it can turn into enabling and codependency (I am not okay if you are not okay thinking). Seemingly wonderful parents don’t know how to step back and let go, even if it means watching their child suffer a lot to learn.

In turn, the parents may continue to control into adulthood by pushing a certain job, parenting style, spending, friends, religion, where they live, sexual choices, etc., because they want to look good and continue to protect their child from harm.

2. Punishment 

Punishment (another form of control) can be used against the adult child when expectations are not met satisfactorily. These consequences are meant to keep the adult child in line. Examples:  withdrawing emotionally, not helping, rude comments, criticism, no gifts, talking about them to family and friends, and disowning*.

Consequences may have worked when your child was young, but they will not work now. This just adds to the mound of simmering resentments.

*I don’t recommend disowning unless the money would be harmful to the estranged adult child, i.e. drug or alcohol abuse, gambling addiction, etc.  If this is the case, find another way to help the family line. Revenge is a horrible reason to disown your child.

3. Choosing how to love

Adult children want to choose how and when they love their parents instead of being pushed to meet often ambiguous expectations to show gratitude.

While common courtesy and respect is always important, holidays, attendance at family functions, gifts, favors, etc, are negotiable.

Controlled love is not love.

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Why Do Adult Children Go No Contact?

Over the years, the offenses have probably piled up without acknowledgment. Amends were never made or were not made in a way that produced real repentance and change.

The same situations kept repeating until it became a dysfunctional pattern in the family system that seemed “normal.” Chances are the rift started years ago and slowly kept tearing over time.

• Tired of the same argument

If parents take the time to review their conversations and disagreements with their adult child, they may realize they did tell them what was wrong.

All the complaints, frustration, rationalizing, or even ignoring requests—that’s why they left.

• Need relief and peace

Often, it’s a relief for adult children when they do walk away because they no longer have to jump through hoops to make everyone happy.

They can live in peace without staying in fight or flight as this is unhealthy physically, mentally, and emotionally.

• Give up

Adult children estrange because they have given up. They don’t have the emotional energy to keep pointing out the problem to no avail, so they remove themselves to escape from the chaos.

They tend to run when they don’t feel they will ever please their parents or be allowed to be fully autonomous without strings attached.

Most adult children truly love their parents and don’t want to leave the family, but they do so when they feel no other options exist.

Psychologically, detaching is pretty easy when someone has felt devalued for a long time. Leaving is just the next step.

Why Are There Estranged Grandparents?

There are many reasons why adult children may remove grandchildren from seeing their grandparents. While I can’t read every parent’s mind, some common themes exist with estranged grandparents. Here are a few of them:

• The adult child’s spouse: The adult child’s spouse may not appreciate the grandparent’s behavior or influence.
• Remarrying: Remarrying can cause all sorts of negative feelings in the adult child. They may feel you betrayed the other parent and are at fault.
• Clashes in values: Parents and adult children may have different values. Some parents may not respect the adult child’s wishes to avoid certain influences on their kids. 
• Unsupportive: Lack of support growing up and even into adulthood. Critical, overbearing or mean-spirited.
• Protective Measures: The adult child might perceive the grandparent as threatening their child’s physical, emotional, or mental well-being, possibly even neglectful. 
• Emotional Distress: Making arrangements for the kids to see the grandparents causes too much emotional distress for everyone.
• Legal Concerns: Legal issues or custody disputes could sometimes influence the decision to see the grandparents.
• Communication breakdown: Lack of effective communication or no contact due to unresolved conflicts between the parent and the estranged adult makes it impossible for grandkids to interact with their grandparents.
• Using the kids: Grandparents may try to use the grandkids as “flying monkeys” to send messages back to the estranged adult or even turn the kids against the estranged adult in favor of the grandparents.
• Revenge: The estranged adult child may be using their kids to rebalance the power structure or get even for all the things their parents did to them in the past.

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How to Fix an Estranged Relationship

Check out these helpful tips for parents of estranged adult children. Learn how to fix an estranged relationship the right way. Doing these things will help you build back a more functional family system:

• Stress independence-Focus on your child’s complete independence from you.
• Make amends-Genuine apologies and consistent effort to rebuild trust over time through actions rather than words alone are important practices.
• Forgive -You must let go of bitterness if you want to have a relationship. More in the paragraph below.
• Patience– Recognize the value of patience and that healing takes time; setbacks are a natural part of the process.
• Celebrate– Acknowledge small victories and remain hopeful, knowing that the journey toward reconciliation is a marathon, not a sprint.
• Respect-Prioritizing empathy, listening, and mutual respect are important qualities to lay a solid foundation for a renewed and strengthened bond. 

I highly recommend watching this video by Dr. Townsed on how to heal a parent and adult-child relationship.  He teaches what to say and how to say it when meeting with an estranged adult child.

How to Set Healthy Boundaries

While some problems may be unresolvable, adult children and parents don’t realize that a relationship can remain intact by setting healthy boundaries.

If you have a family rift, these examples of healthy boundaries may help you regain a good relationship with your adult child before it is too late: 

• Give advice only when solicited. 
• Speak positive and encouraging words. Never criticize your adult child, their spouse, or your grandkids.
• Establish communication guidelines, such as no calls after 9 pm.
• Use “I” statements when addressing conflict.
• Money and help are gifts, not forms of control. If borrowing money, make a contract agreeable to both sides.
• Respect each other’s personal space and time, including avoiding unannounced visits.
• Each person gets to decide how and when they will show their love.
• Refrain from control, punishment, or threats such as disowning unless there is a serious addiction. (You can still find a way to help the family line.)
• Be flexible with family time. Make it easy for the kids to come on a day that is good for them.

Parents of estranged adult children, it is important to respect the boundaries your adult child has set in place. This gives them space and time to forgive and heal.

If you keep violating their boundaries, it further confirms the reason why they left in the first place.

Tips For Parents of Estranged Adult Children

If you are parents of estranged adult children, you can do multiple things even when you don’t have contact with your adult child or grandchildren. You are not powerless.

These tips for parents of estranged adult children are incredibly helpful while waiting.

• Pray-start praying for your estranged adult child. Ask God to intervene on your behalf and to show you where YOU have gone wrong. Repent and change unhealthy behaviors.

Remember, the enemy is not your family member. The enemy is Satan!

• Fast-withhold food, social media, sugar, or something important, and replace it with prayer. Fasting breaks generational strongholds, so don’t discount this practice (Mark 9:29, Matt. 17:14-21).
• Focus on other relationships-work on the relationships you do have. Communicate and share power equally.
• Live-get out of bed and live! Create a good life and be grateful for what you do have.
• Forgive-forgive your adult child. They are hurting just as much as you are hurting.
• Volunteer-give back to others. This will help you to keep your thoughts off of your pain and fall into self-pity.
• Work on you-go to counseling, get plugged into a good church, grow as a person, listen, and change unhealthy behaviors.
• Respect boundaries-respect the boundaries your adult child has set. In the meantime, do not send messages through other people or turn family against them.
• Trust God-trust God with your adult child. This may be hard to do at first, but it is what the Bible says to do. Rewire your brain with scriptures about trusting God. (Put them on notecards and read them daily.)

Forgive Your Adult Child For Leaving

God requires us to forgive those who hurt us. There are no exceptions or loopholes. Believe me, I have looked!  

Start by acknowledging your feelings and asking God what you must do to sweep your side of the street. 

Forgiveness does not mean excusing hurtful behavior; it’s about letting go and allowing God to work in your situation. Choose to do it daily, even if you don’t feel it. Then, work it out in small steps because healing takes time. 

Lastly, be patient with yourself and the process. Celebrate the small steps you take towards mending your heart and possibly the relationship. Remember, forgiveness is more for you than for the other person.

 Were these tips helpful? What suggestions do you have for parents of estranged adult children? Comment below!