Hi, I’m Elizabeth Stone. Here’s today’s question:

“Should I continue to walk the fine line I seem to be walking between letting go of the past / accepting what is and the desire that, despite being out of my control, my ex and I may one day cross paths and start anew?

Does this “desire” amount to nothing more than hoping we get back together, which in and of itself, seems to be a refusal to accept the way things are, and perhaps even a refusal to let go of the past?

It’s been 356 days since my life changed forever and I find that she is still, to this day, often on my mind despite all of the progress I’ve made.

Perhaps part of true acceptance is simply accepting that she will continue to be on my mind for years to come and that the missing her cannot, and should not, become an impediment to me living my best life?”

To be a little blunt, should you walk this imaginary fine line you mention? No. It doesn’t seem to be helping, which I know because of the way he phrased the question.

I like to simplify things and see if they still make sense– because it sounds like he’s up in his head about what letting go and moving on really is and what it does.

The fine line here is imaginary. He is where he is and that place does not sound like letting go and acceptance have quite happened yet. And that’s okay.

That’s typical human grief and loss handling.

But, I’m not seeing much letting go or acceptance here because if there was, we wouldn’t still be counting the time since the breakup happened in exact days.

We wouldn’t be here talking about this situation in this “is this the correct strategy” way at all.

Now, we MAY talk about how he misses her occasionally. Because she was an important part of his life. But accepting reality doesn’t necessarily include strategizing around changing it.

Now, I completely understand why he probably asked this question, because of all of the talk out there about letting go and surrender around effectively getting an ex back.

Letting go and surrendered mindsets are powerful.

And, I’ve lost track of the times when a client’s ex has reappeared the minute they’ve ACTUALLY let go and moved on. It’s happened to me and millions of others. It’s maddening.

But when I say “move and and let go” of your ex I mean it. It isn’t playtime. I mean it. MOVE ON. LET GO. Surrender. Quit. Give up.

Please, for the love of God and all that is holy. Do whatever it takes to think new thoughts, and live that best life you mentioned. Even if it feels excruciating and frustrating at first.

I’m not suggesting letting go and surrender as a “technique” for getting your ex back as much as I am because it hacks into the “embrace reality in the now and generate true happiness” function of human psychology.

All anyone is trying to actually gain when they’re working on creating anything is a feeling.

So hear me now. If you’re watching this and you’re interested in getting back together with a specific person, ALL YOU ACTUALLY WANT when you’re trying to save your relationship with Sandra or Barry or whoever is a feeling. That’s it.

You want the feeling you get when you’re around them and maybe the sneaky relief and ego satisfaction of having succeeded at repairing things.

Now, I get that some people feel irreplaceable to you and I honor that. I know. I get it. I’m not immune to thinking those thoughts and missing someone.

BUT. And this is a big BUT.

The mindset that creates the statement, “It’s been 356 days since my life was changed forever, how can I still miss her, what should I do?” at point A is a vast, full space journey away from the surrendered, point B mindset– “I’m cool, chilling here in my flat with myself. Maybe I’ll get dinner soon. Oh wait, she popped into my head, I miss her. Back to cooking.”

The second mindset is closest to what he said at the end of his question:

“Perhaps part of true acceptance is simply accepting that she will continue to be on my mind for years to come and that the missing her cannot, and should not, become an impediment to me living my best life?”

This is closest to what letting go and acceptance actually look like.

The thought that you miss someone might still occur to you, but you let it go instead of falling for the illusion that thinking the thought “I miss them,” needs to be handled somehow and means something else about you, her, the relationship or your identity as a whole.

Missing someone can just mean that something popped into your consciousness.

But, like random thoughts of my ex husband for example, it just floats through randomly and it’s gone. It doesn’t have to mean anything. I don’t hire a team of professionals to deal with it. On to the next thought!

So of course you’re going through a refusal to let go of the past right now! It’s written all over the question.

Any time you’re trying to trade living your best life, and/or letting go for another chance with your ex or anyone else, it won’t work. It doesn’t produce happiness or another chance, because it’s a constant restatement of lack and a refusal to accept the reality of now. Those self pity thoughts are MADE to hurt.

Suffering is how humans know they’re confused and off track.

And, because of the way he asked the question, I suspect that he spends a fair amount of time imagining he is wrong to think whatever thing he happens to think– then trying to clean it all up and “do better”, but that is just a hunch. It’s all thought.

At a time like this, lots of the time people get stuck here because deep down, they believe that more thinking is all that’s necessary to gain control and turn the situation around.

It’s like how people will stay in their heads and mistake “worrying about a relationship” for doing something helpful with the other person that actually builds the relationship.

Imagining that gaining control will magically reduce our anxiety is a quirky part of human nature. This thought experiment could be one of those times.

Here are a few questions to think about:

Would it offend and upset you if she surprised you by suddenly reappearing after you truly let go?

Given that the situation is already very disconnected right now, what do you have to lose by letting go?

Who would you be if you let go completely?

It doesn’t have to be a problem to think whatever you think. There are no “shoulds” in thought.

If you want to be happy, which makes you more attractive automatically, then it may be helpful to get out of the habit of overthinking whether you’re thinking right. Less thought might be helpful here. Not more.

Missing someone is a thought.

It does not have anything to do with whether you live your best life or not.

All right. I think that’s enough food for thought about letting go and moving on today.

To find out key reasons why people get in their own way when they want lasting love, check out my free masterclass The 7 Blocks to Manifesting Love.