"I still feel the back-breaking weight of guilt and sorrow for the families of his victims. Nothing can be done to make right what he selfishly took from so many people. And that will forever haunt me."
In a recent AMA (ask me anything) Reddit thread, site user Designer_Ad3014 wrote, "My father was a serial killer AMA." They clarified under the caption that, a few years ago, their dad had died. He had killed nine people. Here are some of the most-upvoted questions and answers:
Note: all of the people pictured below are from stock images and have no association with the story.
u/BigYonsan asked, "1) Do you think having a family prevented him from killing anyone at times? 2) How do you think he felt towards you? I genuinely wonder with most of the killers I've read about if the lack of empathy is total or greatly diminished but still present in some aspects."
u/Designer_Ad3014 replied, "I believe he resented [us] for that reason. At times having a family definitely restricted him and prevented some crimes.
And from what I saw towards the end, I honestly think he only looked back fondly on the destruction he caused. I'm sure with your experience on the subject you know just how deeply some of these guys hated and resented existence itself. I like to think he remembered my mother and me fondly, but that's more than likely wish fulfilment on my part."
u/PersistNevertheless wanted to know, "How is your relationship with your mother? How is she doing now? Do you think your father had a family in order to pass as normal? I hope your romantic partners don’t treat you differently when they find out."
u/Designer_Ad3014 responded, "We're very close! [His mother's] honestly doing much better than I am with it at this point. She has her hobbies, her health, and her awesome sense of humour.
I don't think [the father had a child to seem 'normal'], I was an accident. He made it very clear he never wanted me and I was a burden.
And some [romantic partners] have [treated the poster differently]. I don't blame them. My last relationship, my God... I still love that woman so much but after I told her everything I could barely look her in the eyes at times. I've learned that I have to take some of the stuff I've gone through to the grave. One ex was worried I would be abusive because of this. My last relationship was ruined by shame and my inability to accept myself."
"How was home life? Also, do you think he felt remorse?" u/PossumKing94 wrote.
u/Designer_Ad3014 said, "I was constantly walking on eggshells. His mood would go from calm to physically abusive at the drop of a hat. We lived in almost constant fear. We were always broke because he was so impulsive and hooked on various substances. Some people say 'we were shocked when we found out.' I believe that the family's way of coping. We knew he was bad, just not that bad. We constantly had to move because of his work and legal troubles, which looking back, was probably a method he used to avoid detection."
"What did you go through in the year following his arrest? Emotionally and physically how did you react to finding out?" u/Ranch-dressing1999 commented.
"I never had any denial oddly enough," OP (the original poster) wrote. "It all made too much sense when we found out. I was physically sick, as was my mother. She experienced denial though. I was angry at him and the environment that created him, and I was angry he had me, too. I still feel the back-breaking weight of guilt and sorrow for the families of his victims to this day. Nothing can be done to make right what he selfishly took from so many people. And that will forever haunt me."
"Has it made you interested in psychology or completely uninterested? Different circumstances than yours but I learned some shocking information about a parent. I'm still trying to deal with it a year later. I can't imagine being in your situation and also being so young at the time," u/hdnpn wrote.
"Deeply interested! Some psychologists I've seen have remarked that I could open my own practice. Ever since [I found out}, I've had an insatiable thirst to understand why people do what they do. And I'm sorry you had to rug pulled out from under you in that way. Humour is your best friend, if I've learned anything," u/Designer_Ad3014 replied.
u/MoscuPekin wanted to know, "When you found out what your father had done, were there any 'loose ends' or behaviours of his that you understood at that moment?"
"100%," u/Designer_Ad3014 wrote. "He would travel for work, and before his 'trips' he would be a violent anxious mess. Afterwards, he would be relatively calm and almost enjoyable to be around. I guess he had satisfied his urge. Realising this also came with a wave of sickness and guilt because the best times I had with my father were a result of him destroying some other family."
"How was the moment when you found out that he had been arrested? Where were you and what was the first thing you thought? How did your friends and schoolmates react?" asked u/MoscuPekin.
"I was in school. He was supposed to pick me up but never showed up. At first, I thought he just got arrested again. Small arrests were very common for him," u/Designer_Ad3014 said.
"The teachers were very nice and understanding. My classmates didn't really grasp the situation, but some of their parents were very supportive. Some people were rude to me but sadly it was my mother who faced the hate/persecution for the most part," they added.
u/Curiousbabybelle wanted to know which signs might out someone as a serial killer, to which u/Designer_Ad3014 replied, "A transient lifestyle, shallow connections, and no real deep history anyplace. Flashes of coldness and rage in an otherwise charming person. Honestly, it's just a feeling I get from subconscious cues, having been raised by one. It's hard to spot a serial killer because who the heck thinks someone is actually capable of it, even if they are a bad person."
u/Spirited_Drawer_3408 asked, "Is there any chance you or your mom could have used a murder weapon without knowing it was used to kill someone?"
u/Designer_Ad3014 replied, "Good question! Yes, it is possible, and morbidly enough, I'm fairly certain I used one to clean a fish. He caught me using it and EXPLODED in anger. I caught one hell of a beating over that. I still think about that sometimes and have to wash my hands as a result."
When asked by u/whitegirlbuddhist if he had any compassion for his dad, u/Designer_Ad3014 wrote, "I feel compassion for his childhood. If I picture a little boy like myself being treated horribly my heart breaks for him but the man that cruelly took lives and ruined the lives of their loved ones? No, I have no compassion for him."
"Usually serial killers keep a 'trophy' from each victim. What were his trophies? Did he keep them stashed away somewhere? Did anyone ever find them prior to his arrest?" asked u/False-positive1971.
u/Designer_Ad3014 replied, "I'm not going to divulge what exactly they were. But yeah, he kept keepsakes. I found them looking for a tool to fix my bike once. I didn't think much about them at the time cause he was weird as hell anyways, but it clicked after the fact."
u/Unmarkable357 wanted to know, "Has anybody talked about your dad's case to you without them knowing you are his son?"
"Yes actually lol. Someone once said, 'Man, can you believe what people are capable of?' and handed me the phone with an article about my old man. Occasionally, when I was around people drinking and talking about serial killers, his story would pop up," u/Designer_Ad3014 wrote.
u/CourtesyLik asked, "What was your and your mother’s relationship with him after the arrest? Any contact or just cold-turkey cut ties?"
u/Designer_Ad3014 replied, "Cold turkey, done. We never saw or spoke to him again. He never tried to reach out which honestly was a blessing."
H/T to r/AMA and u/Designer_Ad3014 for having this discussion.
Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity.