Our family was a quiet one when I was growing up. There were no unnecessary fights or arguments between my parents. I thought their marriage was a peaceful one until I woke up one day to my mother’s cries. My heart was so broken for her even though I did not know the source of her pain. From her rants, I deduced that my father was the problem. When she quieted down enough to talk, I learned that my dad had gotten married to another woman. For days, she was a mess.

After witnessing what my mother went through, I became wary of boys. I saw them as people who could easily lie and break your heart. I didn’t have problems being friends with them but the moment they started to show romantic interest in me, I kept a distance from them. Even when I found myself reciprocating their feelings, I would still stay away.

While most of my friends were dating, finding love, and getting their hearts broken, I found safety and comfort in my singlehood. I was determined to remain like that until I moved to another region for school. That was when I met a guy in church. He was our choir leader. When he first expressed interest in dating me, I turned him down. However, this guy was unlike the others I had encountered. He was persistent until I ended up liking him.

Before I accepted him, I let him understand that I didn’t want to be in a relationship for a long period. So we gave ourselves a specific time to study each other, and then get married. Everything he did proved that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me so I introduced him to my mother. She accepted him wholeheartedly.

After school, I moved back home. A few months after I left, I had to attend a burial service in the same town where my boyfriend lived. I seized the opportunity to spend some time with him. This guy gave me access to his phone. Maybe he didn’t think I would go through it. Or maybe he wanted me to find whatever he was hiding to make his job easier. I honestly don’t know what went through his mind when he did that. But that was how I found out that he was in a relationship with another lady. I couldn’t believe my Christian brother would do such a thing. I was so broken.

I returned from the funeral an absolute mess. I couldn’t sleep for days, and neither could I stomach food. I cried like a lost child. The most painful part about all this was the fact that I willingly gave him my virginity because I believed he was the one.

I lived alone so I had to be strong for myself. I dressed up and wore bright makeup to cover the pain in my heart. I attended church services from Sunday to Sunday so that I would be too busy to focus on my problems. When I was around people, I laughed and made jokes but deep down I was breaking apart little by little.

Jesus was my only source of comfort until I met another Christian brother. This one is the Youth president of my church. When we started talking, he would check up on me in the morning, afternoon, and evening. He would call when I didn’t attend meetings or service. He invited me to most of the programs he was asked to.

We became so close as time went by. Everything about us reeked of a relationship. For starters, we were part of a relationship group. There is a relationship program on radio that we also enjoyed listening to. We would call each other and discuss our views on the topics discussed on the show. We had this going on for about two years.

Brother Justice matched my energy, so I opened up myself to him. I told him everything about myself including my past relationship. He said, “I am sorry you went through all that. I have never been in a relationship or proposed to a lady so I don’t know what heartbreak feels like.” Well, I taught him whatever I learned from my ex about relationships.

We made plans for our future and prayed about these plans together. We even had a TV channel we watched together. We would be on the phone discussing our favourite programs. We were doing all this but he hadn’t proposed so one day I asked him, “Justice, what are we doing? We’ve been here for two years now but so far things haven’t progressed. Are  you interested in me?” All of a sudden, he went silent on the phone.

He was acting as if we were in a relationship so I just wanted him to come out and say it. However, he didn’t. Later I had a dream about him.

In the dream, he boarded the same bus with a lady in our church. I don’t play with my dreams especially when it comes to relationships. In my last relationship, for instance, I had a series of dreams about my marriage bedsheet. The sheet was changed and replaced with another one. It kept recurring until I found out my ex was dating another lady. So I didn’t take my dream about Justice and this other lady lightly. When I narrated it to him, he said, “I don’t know what your dream means but that lady and I are just friends.”

As I write this, everything shows he is dating her. After school, I took a course in cosmetology. So I have a beauty shop. This same lady that Justice is dating insists on visiting my shop for her makeup and other beauty needs. Although seeing her breaks my heart, I don’t have any grounds to turn her away. We are in the same church, after all.

I know he did not propose to me officially but something inside of me feels cheated and betrayed. All that time we spent talking and praying about our future, did it not mean anything to him? He led me on only to date someone else? And there I was, thinking I was building a foundation. Now he is always posting her on his WhatsApp status. She also posts him. I see all of it and it adds to my frustration.

Once again, I am acting strong but my heart is breaking piece by piece. Does God not love me enough to give me a permanent relationship? Why must I always start something only for another woman to finish it? These days I get so lost in my pain that I even forget my name. I am doing my best to stay strong but I am losing it. What makes it so hard for me to be loved?