july 4th being this week after the past 5 days… you gotta laugh

— Annie Wu⸆⸉ (all socials: @annie_wu_22) (@Annie_Wu_22) July 1, 2024

They’re sending me to rehab for being addicted to chilling mad hard

— buttball (@imniceandsmart) July 1, 2024

one time at the bar a dude wouldn’t leave me alone and was like put your number in my phone so i took his phone and venmo’d myself fifty bucks and left. i deserved it.

— .:RiotGrlErin:. (@RiotGrlErin) July 1, 2024

getting bloodwork done always makes me feel like a juice box

— erika (@yeeeerika) July 2, 2024

Getting to the age where I’m like, “Oh, hopefully I’ll be dead by then.”

— your other mom (@difficultpatty) July 2, 2024

I JUST WANT PRECEDENTED TIMES FOR ONCE. I'm so tired. 🙁

— Anna (@itsafronomics) July 1, 2024

lovebombing works on me because i totally believe someone would fall in love with me in a month

— via (@atrophicbtrfly) June 30, 2024

confession time: before i knew how to read the clock i had a line drawn in our backyard, when the shadows reached that line it was time for mickey mouse to air on tv. once my father learned about this he sat me down and taught me how to read it lmao😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

— ندا (@nidaaaaaamir) July 1, 2024

when i went to my notes to find my password but accidentally opened the most gut-wrenching, emotionally charged paragraph i had written months ago

— 𝅙 (@soymeii) June 30, 2024

the sluttiest thing a man can do is be open and honest with his feelings

— maha (@mahaaaay) July 1, 2024

when we die we should all get a list of people who had crushes on us.

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) July 3, 2024

My girls are watching The Babysitters Club on Netflix and my husband made the mistake of asking why Mary Anne can't babysit after dark and now he has to listen to my two hour presentation of the Spier family history.

— Kristen Mulrooney (@missmulrooney) July 1, 2024

My job's cybersecurity training said to "never assume a connection is real" and I was like I'm WAY ahead of you, pal

— 𝗮𝗻𝗱𝘆 𝘃𝗮𝗻 𝘀𝗹𝘆𝗸𝗲 (@im_all_id) July 3, 2024

fuck flowers, bring me an iced coffee and a sword and the souls of my enemies.

— nay (dino) 🖤 (@Lilblack_heart) July 1, 2024

buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life

— Midge (@mxmclain) July 1, 2024

Your honor I would like to plead oopsies daisies

— LorazeKim ™ 🏴‍☠️🇺🇸🇮🇹🏁 (@_KimberleyAnna) July 2, 2024

I'm literally addicted to going out for drinks with my middle aged coworkers like PLEASEEE gossip about your divorce with me

— cole (@juul_survivor) July 1, 2024

Fundamentally, I do believe the only person who should be immune from all criminal prosecution is Dolly Parton

— Ginny Hogan_ (@ginnyhogan_) July 1, 2024

sad to report that exercising everyday dramatically fixes a lot of things in your life

— Nona Uppal (@nona_uppal) July 1, 2024

I wish there were technology that let you pay based on salary. Like this coffee is $2 for me and $20,000 for a Kardashian.

— 𝖋𝖗𝖎𝖌𝖌𝖎𝖓 𝖋𝖗𝖊𝖓𝖈𝖍 (@frigginfrench) July 1, 2024

Why is everyone okay with the way “Siobhan” is pronounced?

— Lindsay (@Rollinintheseat) July 1, 2024

“you’ve made your bed, now lie in it.”

ok thats actually my favorite thing to do

— erica (@ericanextdooor) July 1, 2024

Realizing that walking 10-20 blocks holding an iced coffee cup with only a half-sip of melted ice left is the adult equivalent of a toddler holding a wet Cheeto in its fist for hours

— eliza (@elizamclamb) July 2, 2024

waiter: everything good here?
me and my friend: (both just cried) 👍👍

— aubrey (@aubreybell) July 2, 2024

charli xcx makes music for ppl who have a social media presence that makes them seem totally wild and unhinged but every time you see them irl they're just in a corner on their phone

— Kath Barbadoro (@kathbarbadoro) July 1, 2024

how do you text a new friend to hang out without sounding like a democrat asking for money

— preorder MORE, PLEASE (out 7/9/24) (@EmmaSpecter) June 30, 2024