Alaric is an older guy I met when I was at a low moment in my life. He is from Germany while I am from here in Ghana. Truth be told, I had never fancied being in an interracial relationship until he came along. Even then, I worried that our cultural differences would get in the way. There was also the issue of our wide age gap. Another concern was that he would treat me like a casual affair. I felt a man his age would probably be married or have a serious relationship somewhere. That’s why I didn’t want to give him a chance when first suggested we spend time together.

Despite my concerns and insistence on keeping him at arm’s length, he refused to give up. “There is no woman in my life that I am committed to. Trust me when I tell you that I only have eyes for you.” It was not easy to take him at his mere words but his actions made it easier. He backed everything he said by his actions. When he promised to take care of me, he showed grand gestures to prove that he meant it. When he said he would be there for me, he cleared his schedule to show up whenever I called.

Eventually, I came to accept him as my boyfriend. I didn’t think I could but I ended up falling in love with him. Things were rosy at the beginning. Which I believe is typical of new relationships. But a few months in, I started noticing little acts of jealousy from his end.

He would get upset if he saw me talking to my male friends. Whether it’s physically, or on the phone. He wanted me to give all my time, affection, and attention to only him. It was a difficult request for me to honor because I had a full life before he came into the picture. I had friends and family I loved and cherished before I chose to love him. So how was I supposed to cut all of them off just to make him happy?

This led to a lot of fights between us. And every time we fought he would yell, “I can’t believe I fell in love with a narcissist like you.” That was the word he always called me, narcissist.” In the midst of all this chaos, I got pregnant. I thought the fact that I was pregnant with his child would make him less possessive and more trusting, but it only made things worse. I felt stifled.

I am not one to talk to friends about my relationship problems but with everything that was happening, I cracked under the pressure and confided in a friend. She told me, “Now that there is a child involved, you need to proceed with caution. I think you need legal counsel. I don’t know any lawyer but I have a friend who is studying law. Maybe if I introduce you to him, he will counsel you.” I agreed and she connected us.

Whenever we had problems, I would talk to this law student and seek advice. He was always ready to listen to my problems and offer helpful solutions. But I had to cut him off at some point, he started liking me. It didn’t make sense that he would feel that way about me when I already told him I was pregnant.

I know I could have turned him down and still have him in my life as a friend. However, I couldn’t risk it because of Alaric’s obsession with controlling my life. He wanted to know everything I was doing so he would often go through my phone. When I asked him to stop, it became a fight. “Going through your phone to see what you are up to makes me happy,” he protested.

My mother tried to get me to leave him and he fought with her. Me too, I was foolish enough to take his side. It was later that I realized family is family. No matter how difficult they can be, you don’t choose a man over them, especially a narcissistic one like Alaric. When I came to accept this, I broke up with him. I was still pregnant but I just wanted him out of my life. The whole relationship lasted for seven months but it felt like seven years.

I tried to move on and do the best I could to take care of myself and the unborn child but the stress and judgment I faced from my family when they found out I was pregnant caused me to lose the baby. I was hurt but I soldiered on.

Along the line, I met someone new. He is younger and a Ghanaian like me. I gave him a chance thinking things would be easier. As always, he was sweet and loving from the beginning but along the line, he became inconsistent with me. He wouldn’t communicate, and when he did, his attention was divided. I felt unwanted by him, compared to Alaric who wanted all of me to himself.

Now, Alaric is back on the scene. He wants us to try again but when I remembered how messy it was to date him, I turned him away. I’m not going to say that I don’t miss him. This new guy is making me long for the days when my ex gave me his attention and time. He was a lot of things but at least he was consistent and committed to the relationship. When I complain to Kobby about how his inconsistency makes me feel, he tells me he loves me. “Is it because I am not all up in your space that you don’t believe I love you? This is how I am, Ohemaa.”

I am finding it hard to believe that a man who says he loves me would go for a day and even more without talking to me. Are there people who love like that? Or should I break up with him and move on?

Also, what do I do to be completely rid of my ex? I turned him away but he is still lurking around. Sometimes I see him in my neighborhood. He pretends he comes around for business but I know he is spying on me. I ask him to leave me alone and he tells me, “How can I? I love you.” I feel like he is a demon tormenting me. What do I do to drive him away for good?

— Ohemaa

#SB