Growing up, my mom wanted to know all about my friends and their parents before I went over for a playdate. Who lived there? Who was going to be home? Do they have older brothers? And could she have the number to call and check up on me? This was in grade school. When I reached the tween years, and sleepovers became a thing, I was not allowed to go many. I can count on one hand how many times I slept over at a friend’s house, and each time was furiously debated. Sometimes, I didn’t even bother asking. 

For many Latine kids, this scenario feels familiar.

“I can vividly hear my father’s voice stating, ‘Why would you spend the night at your friend’s house when you have a perfectly good bed in your room?’ and immediately recognizing that there was no discussion to be had,” says Dina Olivas, LCSW, who is a trainer and speaker on cross-cultural counseling, culture, and identity with Latine families. “Many Latinx children have heard these words as they sheepishly try to partake in an American tradition of sleepovers with friends or a summer camp experience.” 

The thought of entrusting your children to a non-family member is usually unheard of in many families, like mine and many others. Why? Most Latine parents feel that letting their child sleep under a roof other than their own is risky, with too many anxiety-inducing unknowns.

Following Tradition

A 2023 YouGov poll found that only 55% of Latine parents felt like they would “definitely or probably” allow their children to have sleepovers compared to 80% of white parents. Third-generation American citizens were also more likely to have had sleepovers as children than those who were not citizens or newly immigrated. 

“For many immigrants, first- and second-generation Latinx parents, entrusting your child for a sleepover in a non-family member household is equivalent to letting their precious children sleep at a stranger’s house; such requests are met with great trepidation, fear, and skepticism,” says Olivas. “Grounded in historical trauma and often feeling unsafe in the dominant society, not allowing a sleepover can, in fact, be viewed as an act of responsible parenting and proactive protection from potential danger, abuse, and unsavory outside influences.” 

Jenny Lozano-Rivera, an emergency services mental health manager at Palisades Medical Center and a board-certified social worker says sleepovers were never on the table for her, and she plans to carry on the tradition with her daughter. 

“My parents never allowed me to have sleepovers or allowed others to stay at my house. Growing up, I was upset because I felt my parents were too harsh and did not understand me. When I would ask my mother for a sleepover, she would say, 'Don't you have a bed here to sleep in?' This, of course, made me angry with her,” says Lozano-Rivera.  “Fast-forward 32 years, and I find myself a 47-year-old mother to an 8-year-old girl. She has asked numerous times to have sleepovers, and my response has been no. At times, I find myself repeating my mother's words, but now things make more sense.” 

It’s also a matter of potentially exposing your children to outside influences before they are ready to deal with them. Lozano-Rivera says when she considers the possibility that her daughter might be exposed to alcohol or marijuana, could be sexually assaulted, or worse, the answer is clear. “Bottom line is in my youth, it was forbidden, and I follow the same tradition, and I do not allow my daughter to have sleepovers,” she says. 

According to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health, 27% of kids tried alcohol before the legal age and the National Institute on Drug Abuse reported in 2023 that sizeable percentages of eighth graders are testing drugs from vaping to THC. Forbes says more than 50% of tweens have been exposed to inappropriate content online and if they are bullied there, only 1 in 10 would tell their parents about it. Those are only a few of the issues parents are afraid of.

Much of the distaste Latine parents have for sleepovers is rooted in the fear that children will be exposed to different values that might not align with their own. For them, keeping an eye on kids under their own roof may feel like the only way to keep them out of trouble. 

“Significant fear of children being unsupervised and participating in mischief, core family values being challenged, and legitimate concerns of potential access to untrustworthy adults or older children are areas of concern for all parents,” says Olivas.

In Favor of Friendship?

Still, according to Olivas, sleepovers have many benefits, including an increased sense of self and learning independence. 

“Latinx children who participate in sleepovers can have an opportunity to learn new developmental social tasks, build a stronger sense of the ‘self’ and come to respect the cultural beliefs, family traditions and mores of others,” says Olivas. “When Latinx families spend time talking about their core family beliefs, strong convictions of how children should be cared for, and the expectation of children’s behaviors in the home of others, it can reaffirm foundational cultural beliefs.”  

Sleepovers are such a divisive topic that they are often discussed in parenting classes and therapy settings, with a focus on articulating why people feel so strongly about them. This sometimes leads to a more open-minded approach. 

“Therapists often address these concerns with Latinx parents enrolled in counseling or parenting classes and coach them on how to approach developmentally appropriate sleepovers with a clear, proactive strategy and plans for safety,” says Olivas. “When parents can articulate fears and process real concerns, they can then learn ways of developing a ‘“sleepover plan’” with their child that ensures safety, communication of expectations of care, and honoring the physical, social, and emotional needs of a child.”

If you choose to let your children have sleepovers, Olivas says the best plan is to keep communication open and honest. If parents can articulate why they feel the way they do, the children will have a better understanding of why they can or cannot attend sleepovers. It’s also a good time for parents to reaffirm family values, rules, and traditions, reiterating the fact that while some families may see the world differently, child and parent remain on the same page.

Sometimes, getting to know the parent of the child who is hosting the sleepover is enough to keep worries at bay, as is allowing your child to come home or call if they are feeling uncomfortable. Some parents also allow their kids to participate in “sleepunders,”  an evening playdate that ends before bedtime. Others won’t be swayed—sleepovers are a hard “no,” and that’s okay, too. Open conversation is what’s important here. 

Simply breaching the topic of sleepovers can positively affect overall family dynamics. 

“Parents who talk about familismo, respeto, and the importance of shared responsibility and collective wellbeing as part of a “sleepover” discussion can be assured that their values are being expressed clearly to other parents and, most importantly, to their children,” says Olivas.