Why Men Have a Hard Time Opening Up
While men and women both struggle with emotional openness, men more often are stereotyped as such, and women are often pathologized. The emotional landscapes and conditioning of men and women can be quite different, often influenced by societal norms and expectations. From my side of the chair, I have found that many men have a harder time being emotionally open due to a variety of reasons:
I will make this point again later, but the problem with emotional connection is only stereotypically male. The reality from my side of the chair is that it is generational, cultural and at times, rooted in bad theology. All the points made above apply to both men and women.
In the country I am writing from, America, especially in the rural places I have pastored and lived, a “Biblical Man” is a lot of things, except emotional. He puts on the “armor of God” and is the “protector, provider and presider” over his family, his church, and his community. All of this is crap as none of these attributes are found in either the New or Old Testament. Contemporary writings, especially when we get to the New Testament and Paul’s time will find the writings of the Stoics and influences from the other Abrahamic traditions and some Eastern traditions.
When read from a therapist and philosopher’s perspective, we can see several different perspectives in the bible. David clearly shows signs of clinical depression and his son, Solomon clearly shows the effects of this.
Jesus famously weeps and is attributed to saying things that were not just Jewish in their orientation but can be found in several traditions around the world.
A whole book of the Old Testament and a sub-genre of the Psalms is designated to the spiritual practice of lament.
While I started this post looking at men’s struggles with connection, the problem is prevalent in both sexes. The problem with connections is not a gender problem, but a stereotype and perception problem. I deal a lot with loneliness in my daily practice as a therapist. In many ways, lack of meaning making, normalizing emotional responses and lack of outlets to connect have created the mess that we observe with not only younger people but many elderly as well. Loneliness is a problem. Cultivating the spiritual practice of connections counters this.
In breaking down the barriers to emotional connection and cultivating the practice of connection, start with this thought? Separateness is an illusion. In the lovingkindness meditation ( lovingkindness ) we teach or cultivate the awareness of the other in our lives, our close ones, our distant ones, and the ones we may harbor negative feelings towards. In cultivating this awareness, we begin to understand the closeness and the sameness we share. We realize that we all want the same things, love, and affection. To be seen.
The reality of connection is that we are not one, we are part of many. We are a member of a community, a culture, a society, a family. Our presence in these spaces is not insular either. Our presence influences those around us, for the good and the negative.
When we engage in the practice of connection, we “reinforce holistic thinking and our awareness of how the spiritual, emotional, and mental aspects of our being interpenetrate and nourish each other. It enables us to see the big picture”. (https://www.spiritualityandpractice.com/practices/alphabet/view/7/connections ).