Dear Care and Feeding,

We unfortunately got some bad news today regarding our 11-year-old dog’s health, and we’ll most likely end up putting him down sometime this summer. Our kids are 7 and 5 and are fairly emotionally mature, if sensitive. We’ve had the dog their entire lives and for a while, I feel like they were almost indifferent to him, but they seem to have grown closer to him over the past year.

My parents had to put down one of their dogs, Freddie, earlier this year. I took my kids over to say goodbye beforehand, but they were not present during the actual euthanization. They were definitely sad and will occasionally say they miss Freddie, but they generally handled it well and have grown noticeably closer to my parents’ remaining dog since.

When we actually do the euthanization, we plan to use one of the services that comes to the house, so it will be possible for the kids to be there. My inclination is to give them the option to be present if they want to, and if not, we will leave them with their grandparents for a little bit. I know they won’t fully be able to comprehend what the experience will be like (neither can I, for that matter), and I expect them to be sad for a while whether they are present or not. My mom seems to think being sad is one of the worst possible things that can happen to someone, and goes out of her way to avoid sadness for herself and others. My wife and I have taken the opposite approach and realize that sadness is a part of life and have tried to teach the kids that sadness is natural and normal and to be expected at times. Still, I worry that perhaps this is an occasion where I should be a bit more proactive in shielding them from sadness and simply be honest with them about what is happening but not give them the option to be present.

Our dog’s quality of life is good for the moment, but he is sick and not getting better, so this is something we will ultimately have to face in the next few months. I’d like to think it through and decide beforehand rather than make a decision in the moment, when we might not be thinking clearly.

—Sad Situation

Dear Sad Situation,

In your place, I wouldn’t want my young kids present at our dog’s euthanization, nor do I believe they would want to be there. I don’t think you’d be shielding your children from sadness by not having them watch—they will still have a chance to feel sad, to express their feelings, to grieve. Another thing to consider is whether you think they’ll be able to control how they react in the moment. Of course they will be upset, but if they are very loud or agitated, that could make it harder for your dog to relax and go peacefully.

Perhaps you should start by simply talking with your kids about your dog’s health and making sure they understand what’s going to happen. Let them know that he won’t be in pain or suffer at the end. Give them a chance to ask questions and express how they feel. They might feel very strongly about being there, or not—ultimately, it’s your decision to make as their parents, but talking it through with your children might give you more clarity.

I was several years older than your kids when our family dog had to be put down, and I very much did not want to be there. I spent one last afternoon with him in the big backyard he loved, then said goodbye before my parents took him to the vet. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t miss or love him as much as they did. What’s most important for your children is not being present at the moment of your dog’s death, but having the chance to say goodbye, to feel and share their sadness with you, and to grieve.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

For most of our kids’ lives, I had jobs that weren’t good—the pay was low, the benefits sucked, and a lot of people got hurt at work. In 2021, I went back to school while still working full-time. My parents helped a lot. My wife did a ton more at home, even though she works full-time too. I felt like I was never there and barely saw my family. It was hard for everyone.

Now I’m on the other side and I have a good job. I spend a lot more time with our family. My wife and I have scheduled date nights, and I’m trying to get back into our routines together after a stressful few years. But I missed out on so much with our kids, who are now 11 and 13. They grew up so much in the past few years and I don’t know how to connect with them or talk. They’re too old for the things we used to do together. My wife says it’s mostly the standoffish tween phase, but I know I dropped the ball when things were so busy. I feel guilty but I want to do better. How do I get there besides lots of awkward silences which is what’s happening right now? I love our kids so much and I want to show it.

—Trying Again Dad

Dear Trying Again,

You went back to school and got this new job for your family’s benefit. It’s understandable—and human!—to have regrets about lost time. But beating yourself up over your decisions won’t help you reconnect with your kids now.

I don’t want to make it sound simple because I know it’s not, but so much of parenting adolescents is just like … waiting for them to let something drop? Like, it is a lot of driving them and their friends around, making it possible for them to pursue their interests, and every now and then they will reveal (sometimes by accident) what they’re feeling or what’s really important to them. You’ll have a surprising 10-minute conversation on one of those drives when they don’t have to deal with so much parental eye contact, or they’ll suddenly show up to dinner with a lot to say about something, or—the actual pot of gold at the end of the rainbow—they will suggest something they want to do with you (I speak as someone still riding the high of my teenager suggesting we go see a movie together a few months ago).

I don’t think it’s tween standoffishness, exactly, that makes these moments feel hard-won at times—and while your being so busy in recent years might be a factor, it’s probably not the only one. Kids this age are starting to consider and figure out who they are, independent of their parents; by definition, they can’t always do that with us hovering. But that doesn’t mean they don’t want to feel connected or close to you. Try to listen as much as you can; support them without judgment, so they know they can be their whole selves with you. Pay attention to what they really matters to them, what they care about and enjoy, and you’ll get to share some of those things with them.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a low-stakes question that I think is maybe about self-esteem. My 15-year-old daughter enjoys art. She spends most of her free time painting and also takes art electives at school. She even won a couple of regional contests, although her teachers had to urge her to enter. Her grandparents got her particularly nice materials as a gift for Christmas, and she has yet to use them. I casually asked her if she was going to try them out, and she told me her art wasn’t good enough for them yet and using them would waste them. Her teacher mentioned to me that she also is scared to use the nicer tools at school, too. Is this a teen thing I should wait for her to grow out of, or should I say something? I want her to get the chance to make bad art with the good materials if she needs to! None of this stuff is gold leaf, or ultra-pricey brushes. It’s just nicer than the entry level stuff we got her when she started years ago, or the things she buys herself.

—Is This Normal?

Dear Is This Normal,

Your daughter isn’t the only artist to have a strong perfectionist streak. It takes time to learn that perfectionism is in many ways the enemy of art-making. You can certainly let her know that you hope she’ll use and enjoy her new supplies. But I wouldn’t make a huge deal out of it—you’ve got to pick your battles carefully with a 15-year-old, and this does sound like something she’ll most past eventually.

If your daughter is nervous about putting something on a nice canvas, she can always sketch or practice as much as she wants to on paper. You can try to encourage her confidence and self-esteem by showing interest in her work and telling her what you love and appreciate about her art. Notice and praise her when she tries something new or shows improvement. Let her know that no one’s art is ever perfect; hers doesn’t have to be, either.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have a set of triplets—aged 3.5, all girls—and gave birth again last month. The pregnancy was planned assuming I would have twins or more triplets (the gene runs very strongly in my husband’s family). We ended up with a wonderful baby boy and no one else. I’m worried about him feeling isolated from his sisters, with the age and gender difference, and their triplet-ness—the triplets are already a very close-knit group. I had two older brothers growing up—they were as close in age as possible for non-twins—and I was never included, being their six-years-younger little sister. I now rarely speak with them, and I don’t want my son in the same position.

—Not What We Expected

Dear Not What We Expected,

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I understand your concern is based on your own experience, but I do think you’re kind of borrowing trouble by worrying about this right now! Your kids aren’t you and your brothers; they’re closer in age, and entirely different people, and you will raise them in the hope they will be closer than you were to your siblings.

Ultimately, you can’t control your children’s sibling bonds or how they feel about one another when they’re all adults—they will need to figure that out on their own as they get older, as is their right. But that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do in the meantime to help foster their closeness. You can let them know how important and special sibling relationships can be, and do your best to help them trust and be kind to and celebrate each other. You can help them acknowledge when they’re hurt or have complicated feelings about one of their siblings. You can tell them that you hope they will always love and be there for one another.

Try not to fret too much about their future connections when they’re still so young. In the same way that you love all your kids differently but deeply, your son doesn’t have to have the same relationship with his sisters that they have with one another in order to be close to or feel positively about them (and the same goes for them).

—Nicole

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My husband and I had a lovely baby girl this summer. She has different hair and eye color than we do, but otherwise looks very much like our child. She does have one fairly distinct feature that we don’t share: the shape of her eyes. We live in a progressive and diverse city but have now gotten multiple comments about her “insert racist comment here” eyes.