She sent me a photo of herself on that yoke that the bags whizz around on. She looked happy out. Who needs Ibiza says she.

Anyway I had better get stuck in and see what ye moany gowls are moaning on about this week. My eyes are already bleeding at the mere sight of some of the shite ye are spouting!

Rosealeen from Ballydesmond, please help. 

My husband Keith is in an awful way. Last week wasn’t he sitting down watching the Euros and 90 minutes in he was cock sure that Slovakia were going to beat England. 

So cock sure was he that he walked straight out the front door and walked two doors up and knocked on the door of our Slovakian neighbour Jonas. 

Out Jonas walked and didn’t my husband plant a big kiss on the poor man’s gob. 

Well just as he did, didn’t England score a bloody goal and didn’t Jonas punch my Keith in the face and he’s been lying on the couch ever since wailing the Slovakian national anthem, and he’s afraid to go out in public again in case he’d run into Jonas. Please help.

— Tanya, Lower Glanmire Rd

Well Tanya haven’t you the right dopey gom on your hands there. A typical man, gets too excited, too quick and destroys the ending. The best thing ye could do now is move house. Don’t move to Slovakia. 

I’d say ye probably wouldn’t be welcome there but I’m sure there might be a nice football family in Manchester or the surrounding areas that would only be too happy to take you in. 

Of course you could always leave him for being such a wally. I wonder would that Jonas fellow be interested in shacking up with you?

Rosealeen,

I am after getting fierce into the athletics and I thought it might be an idea to get into the hurdles. 

I like the look of that Sarah Lavin girl but I suppose I will never be as fast as her given that I am a 66-year-old shopkeeper from West Cork. 

But wasn’t I out for my walk last night and didn’t I take a notion to try a bit of hurdling. 

One of the local farmers has a few fences and ditches that kind of line up like hurdles so I thought I might take a running jump at them and see how I’d get on. 

Well, I flew over the first one like a bird in full flight like that girl Derval O’Rourke.

I was majestic, but then didn’t I misjudge the height of the next fence and sure the next thing I was stuck. 

I had to ring farmer Maurice to come disentangle me from atop the fence. He disentangled me alright but didn’t my tights snag on the way down, and I suppose I am asking what should I buy to apologise to the local farmer that saw my arse after I trespassing on his land to do hurdles?

— Noreen, Clonakilty

The best thing you could do now is bundle a couple of kilos of Clonakilty black pudding into an Ould bag for life and shove it in his letter box with maybe a nice note saying sorry you had to see my arse up atop your fence. 

Failing that, I always think a nice box of Roses goes a long way, but don’t worry about it too much, the Olympics is only a few weeks away and you probably need to get back out training. Them young wans better watch out.

Rosealeen, 

Christ almighty, I just looked out my sitting room window here in Montenotte and usually I am met with an absolutely stunning, almost breathtaking view of the city but much to by chagrin this morning my eyes were met with a very sorry sight indeed. 

My neighbour is after getting a skip, of all things. You know what I’m talking about, essentially a gargantuan bin, a bloody monstrosity and a liberty if you ask me.

Having said that, I do have some wayward hedges that the gardener just clipped. But because old Éamonn has just got the new hip done (I paid for him to get it done privately, it nearly cost me an arm and a leg, the bloody hip) he couldn’t bend down to retrieve all the clippings so I am wondering how do I sneak bits of my bush into my neighbour’s skip?

— Nathan, Montenotte (usually with picturesque views of the city)

Well now, whenever I want to sneak my bush in anywhere I wait until cover of darkness and then I reveal myself to the elements.

So if I were you I’d wait until the dead of night and then drop the whole kit and caboodle into the skip. 

I’d nearly go so far as doing a full inventory of your entire house and see is there anything other than your bush that you can stick in. 

These opportunities don’t come around too often in Montenotte, so take full advantage of the situation for yourself, let you.