Last month we considered the responsibilities of a child toward his or her parents. The child-parent relationship is fraught with challenges. From the moment that a child is born, a child is in a love-conflictual relationship with his parents. Perhaps that is why the fifth of the Ten Commandments is dedicated to reminding children to honor his or her parents. As noted last month, the commandment does not call upon a child to love his/her parents but to honor or respect them. Did God give us this commandment because it is necessary? To make matters even more complicated the text does not distinguish between a caring and loving parent and an abusive one. In both cases we are to honor our parents. The fifth commandment does not command us to honor either our spouse or children, only our parents.

As mentioned last month, the text uses the Hebrew verb “caved” (to honor or respect) rather than “ahav” (to love). Although at times it may be difficult to love our parents, it is still possible to honor or respect our parents, even when we do not love them. To honor one’s parents is to be grateful for the blessing of life and a demonstration of gratitude not only regarding those who have come before us and also for those who will follow us.

Now we turn to the opposite side of the coin, the responsibilities of parents toward their children. Perhaps this is a less complicated relationship and for this reason the biblical text does not command a parent to honor his/her child. The sixth commandment does not ask a parent to love a child but instead pivots away from the child-parent-child relationship and addresses the issue of murder. Is there a connection between the fifth commandment of honoring one’s parents and the sixth commandment of prohibiting murder? Might the placement of the sixth commandment be a counter-balance to child sacrifice? Do parents still “sacrifice” children, if not in a literal sense then in a psychological sense by demanding that their child(ren) re-enact the parent’s dreams?

Judaism understands that being a parent is perhaps the most difficult job on earth. To be a parent is not merely to become God’s partner in producing life but also in shaping that life. Children are a precious loan that God entrusts to us until the child is ready to live on his/her own. The relationship is difficult at best because we partner with God to give our children life, but we do not own their lives. In the end, parents must come to realize that their task is to become continuously less central in the lives of their children. In mystical literature this contraction is called “tzimtzum” or the act of becoming less so that our children can become more.

Most parents have high hopes for their children, thus we read in Proverbs 22:6: “Teach a child in the way to go, and even in old age that one will not stray from it” The verse’s advice and admonition raises more questions than it provides answers. For example, what does the text expect us to teach our children and how are we to teach the desired lessons? We can find “hints” as to what to teach within Jewish law (halachah).

In the Talmudic tractate Kidushin we find that a parent is obligated first to care for the child’s daily needs including housing, food and clothing. Then in the case of boys, to circumcise a son, so that he is part of the covenant of Abraham. Parents are also expected to provide an education for their children and to guide them to economically stand on their own by means of having a profession or trade. A parent is also expected to provide for their child’s marriage, and lastly a parent is expected to teach a child how to swim. The last requirement, teaching a child to swim, symbolizes the need not only for academic knowledge but also the importance of knowing basic survival skills. Swimming symbolizes the parent’s obligation to help a child to know the practical and physical side of life as well as the cerebral and academic side. It was/is the obligation of parents to prepare their children to function not only in the academic world but also in the real world of the here and now.

Parents' obligation to teach their children is so important that Deuteronomy (6:7) in referring to our love for, and our obligations to, God requires us to teach these principles diligently to our children. This parental obligation was extended to the community in general and for this reason since biblical times dating back to Ezra and Nechemia Jews have provided the children of a community with access to community education.

Jewish cultural institutions also have obliged parents to teach their children to become a mensch. Mensch is an untranslatable Yiddish word meaning something like being a “real” or “decent human being” who stands up for and does the right thing even when it is not the popular thing to do. A parent’s obligation, and by extension the community, is obliged to teach children to be considerate of others, to give charity, to hear the other person and to allow that person to feel heard, and not to wander aimlessly through life but to leave the world a better place.

Martin Mull, the American entertainer who died last month, once said that having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. By that he meant that family life is noisy and chaotic, things fall down and even on great days parents wonder if they are living up to the special responsibly with which God has entrusted them.

Parenting is not easy but in the end it is the essence of life. There are few physical rewards for good parenting but there are many spiritual rewards. These rewards are best reflected by another untranslatable Yiddish word: “Nachus.” Nachus (Nachat in Hebrew) means the joy that parents receive when their children are successful. To succeed for oneself is to have “cavod,” while to see a child succeed gives a parent “nachas.” What makes the parent-child relationship so special is that the reward for good parenting is happy grandchildren and a life of filled with nachus. I can wish each of you nothing better.